


I Still Love Her

by Veronica_Lake



Category: Motherland: Fort Salem (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:20:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24188053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Veronica_Lake/pseuds/Veronica_Lake
Summary: Just a little insight inside Raelle’s head at the end of ep9 and not so little rewrite of ep10 where Anacostia may hatch the plan to free Scylla but tricked someone else into executing it. Someone who still loves her.(a.k.a. perhaps the final reunion a lot of us wished for)
Relationships: Raelle Collar/Scylla Ramshorn
Comments: 4
Kudos: 135





	1. Chapter 1

Breathing was difficult, walking didn’t come easy as well, but she had to keep moving. She had to keep moving and get all of this out of her system. So she could move on. She must move on. The soft grass under her boots, the light breeze tickling her skin and warm rays of light breaking through the leaves. She barely took any notice of her surroundings. Because her eyes were filled with tears of anger and shame and the thunder of her heartbeat, the crushing noise she couldn’t tame was deafening. In sheer contrast with the weather at Fort Salem, a storm was raging inside her. The storm much more powerful and devastating than the one she had observed on her first day in here with Scylla. Scylla. The Liar, The Traitor, The Murderer, The Treacherous Spree Agent. Scylla. The Manipulator, The User, The Villain. Scylla, who achieved impossible. When Raelle Collar had come to the Fort Salem, she had only wished for a quick death. Her life had had no meaning. There had been no goal worth achieving in front of her. Except for a forlorn grave. She had given up. And then, Scylla had happened. The mysterious enigma who had made her feel alive, again. Or for the first time.  _ Was any of it real? _

She needed to get some more air into her lungs. To clear her head. That had to be a way how to cease this overwhelming agony. She had already ceased it for a moment before. It was possible then, wasn’t it? To become numb. Unattached. To distract herself by being with friends, connect with theirs up and downs. Relish their company. Or was it foolish to believe such deep wound could be healed by nothing more than a tiny patch?

The ground below started to change. The lively green was replaced with shades of brown. It only could mean one thing. The lack of sun, and closeness of immense tree trunk. Raelle looked up and released a painful laugh. From all of the places where her feet could bring her, they brought her to this particular tree. She stepped closer, and the storm inside her strengthen significantly. Was it a typhoon, now, she wondered. It was tearing her apart, shattering her into pieces. She clenched her fists and hit the trunk with full force for a couple of times as if, the tree had decided her destiny after the Beltane, not Raelle herself. Taking revenge on the tree didn’t bring her any comfort. She hoped for some physical pain that would outgrow the agonizing hole in her heart, but none was delivered. Her knuckles were mangled and bleeding, but the only suffering she felt came outside her chest.

She turned and slid down to the ground. There was no strength left in her for standing or holding the desperate sobs inside.

_ I’m a Dodger. Which means no attachments because things go away. We go away. I haven’t learnt to get past this, but I’m trying. _ Scylla had come clean. Standing right here under this tree, she had been vulnerable and honest and worthy of all the love in the world. 

_ I’m in this with you. We’re gonna figure it out together. Okay? _ Raelle’s own words were resonating in her head. And the sweetest kiss that had followed. At that point, she had known Scylla had secrets. Fatal flaws as Byron had called it.  _ But honestly, you’d have to decide if that person is worthy and then fight for them. _ He had said. And she had decided. But,  _ Was any of it real? _

No, it wasn’t. She had been lied to, she had been manipulated and used. And now it’d left her broken, weak and alone. Raelle choked on her tears and wiped some off her smudged face with the sleeve of the uniform. The distinctive clothing worn by members of the Army. She’d never felt she belonged with Army, but recently she undeniably and genuinely came to the conclusion she belonged with her unit. Tally and Abigail. So maybe that was at least some comfort she could get in this massive drama. Her girls, who’re always going to have her back were not going anywhere. But that unit, her unit was part of the organization lead by the woman who had let innocent civilians to be killed and then bent the truth to her own advantage. The organization responsible for her mother’s death braced upon the principles that forced their members to hunt and murder Scylla’s parents, ones of their own. 

„Oh, fuck.“ Raelle sighed. She shouldn’t see her again. To let her die in her heart was the way out of this suffering. For whatever reasons, this opportunity had been lost. Which was such a waste when there was no place in there for redemption. Scylla Ramshorn was a relentless Spree agent, who picked up on easy prey. The sickest weakest gazelle in the herd. 

_ I chose you.  _ The recent memories were popping in Raelle’s mind trying to convince her otherwise.  _ I had orders to deliver you. I chose you instead of them. I chose you. _

The wild sobs came back as the memory of the dance at Charvel Bellwether’s wedding.  _ No matter what happens, I love you. _

„How could you do this to someone you love, Scylla. How could you!“ Raelle cried into the void. She felt dissolved to suffering, pain, exhaustion and cold. But she couldn’t erase the fact, she had seen the same in Scylla’s eyes after her cruel attack.  _ I’m sorry we ever met.  _ Had Raelle truly meant it? At the moment, she definitely had, she knew. But not because she had terribly wanted it to be true but because she wanted to hurt Scylla. Hurt her the ways she was hurt. As if it could help, as if it could bring any conclusion. Damn it! When despite everything, those time with Scylla had been the happiest in Raelle’s life. She shook her head in awe when she realized what she really desired the most right now was all of those things back, without betrayal, without lies, without Spree corruption. Just love, care, connection. It was pathetic, but she still loved Scylla. Before she could drown herself in more misery, Anacostia Quartermaine appeared in sight. 

„I shouldn’t have put you through that.“

Drill Sergeant Quartermaine. What a mystery. Raelle couldn’t put the finger on what really was her agenda. First being completely against their involvement, then offering a chance for their last reunion and now words of comfort. But what Realle knew was that no one was responsible for the mess in her head, only she. She had made the decision under this tree, willingly. 

„I wasn’t even gonna, go…“ She admitted. „I just…“ Maybe the only way how to let it go was to be completely honest. „I still love her.“

„I know.“ So it was true. Even Sergeant Quartermaine recognize it. 

„I’m so stupid.“ Realle wasn’t able to hold it together, anymore. The salt liquid stained her cheeks again. 

„You’re not stupid. You’re human.“ Quartermaine soothed her. Yeah, Raelle thought. Wretched, miserable human. Before she could argue about the stupidity of all that, the confession even more unexpected came from her superior officer. „She loves you, that part’s real.“

Did it even matter, anymore? She swallowed a big lump in her throat. That the love part was real? Maybe at the end of the day, that was the only thing that mattered. In this twisted world at war, where people were dying for impossible principles and honour. Where individuals were sacrificed in the false belief, they serve a higher purpose, when, in reality, they were only pawns in a wicked game of power. 

She had decided Scylla was worthy of fighting for right here under this tree, she had promised her they’re in this together, yet she had given up on her. She had given up on everything again. Because she was hurt. But she wasn’t only one who hurt. Raelle needed to see that. She needed to transform that hurt and self-pity into something meaningful. 

„I think I messed up.“ She pleaded guilty. If anyone could make sense of this insanity, it was Anacostia Quartermaine. Or at least Raelle convinced herself to believe that. Because if she was wrong, all hope was lost.


	2. Chapter 2

„Abigail won’t be joining you in Tarim.“ Said Sergeant Quartermaine.

This was fucked up. Well, everything had been fucked up. Even before they had found out their unit is going to be deployed instead of attending War College, Raelle didn’t fool herself. But now the news about Abigail fucked it up even more. If she weren’t numbed by all those shits that had happened recently maybe, she would be freaking out as Tally did.

„This is a complete betrayal of everything you taught us!“ She was raging. „I mean a unit that unit this. What kind of justice is that? Some Sisterhood.“ She was unstoppable. „Every single thing that we fought for and bled for has been a complete joke.“

„Are you that surprised Tal?“ Maybe it wasn’t the most sensitive thing Raelle could say, but there was no point in complaining about how fucked up everything was. There was no way out. No under, no over. Wasn’t it?

Quartermaine stayed true to her nature and added the right mix of sympathy and encouragement. Even when Tally still looked greatly upset, she was closer to accepting this situation they had to face. Realle thought when seeing her hug their drill sergeant. It was sufficiently clumsy. And weirdly comforting, also. Something else poured out, too. And helped to crack Raelle’s numbness. Made her heart beating faster. Made her feel alive. Just a little bit. She spotted a scrap of a chain dangling from Quatermaine’s pocket. An unusual sight that was for sure. Army officers must be flawless. Always. No exceptions. No dangling chains stuck into the pocket in haste. The chains with the medallion that opens hidden doors to the Fort Salem dungeon. Raelle had witnessed how it works first hand, when she had visited the other day. Had the drill sergeant been down there before she came to see them? So it meant Scylla was still there, not in some obscure prison at the end of the world?

„I’m going to need the two of you to come back so you can continue to frustrate me and age me prematurely.“Quartermaine gave them the last words of support before her departure, and it translated precisely to the boost they both needed. It brought a smile to Tally’s face. At the same moment, Raelle felt the strange, intense and unexpected wave of… What was it? Hope? Will to fight?

„Yes, ma'am.“ She saluted together with Tally and subconsciously glance at the pocket that was hiding the medallion. And before she knew she was running after her sergeant.

„Um..“ Yeah it was still in her heart, and it was still overwhelmingly powerful, and so she needed to do the only thing that she could at the moment. „Wherever they taking Scylla, can you please make sure they’ll go easy on her?“ She asked clutching Quartermaine's forearm probably too tightly and definitely highly inappropriately considering their different rankings. The expression of her superior officer might be soft but very definite. It wasn’t unexpected and made Raelle’s eyes stung even more. Nevertheless, she refused to give up hope, and it didn’t matter that it was crystal clear her request was nothing more than wishful thinking. Definitely unfulfillable. „I know she’s messed up, but she’s not all bad.“

„I-I’ll try.“

„Thank you.“ Raelle gulped and slowly released the grip of Quatermain’s forearm then let her own hand slip to the pocket of her pants. Technically, _I’ll try was_ less than nothing. In reality, at this particular moment, it meant everything. With Anacostia gone spark of the good spirit, she ignited was faltering. Raelle joined the poor soul Tally who was down in the dumps crumbling and side hugged her gently.

„I can’t believe Abigail would leave without saying goodbye to us.“ Frankly, she didn’t believe either. Maybe Abigail didn’t have a choice. When they had met a couple of months ago, such betrayal wouldn’t be surprising. Actually, the newest addition to Bellwheater family mark in the Army had done the exact thing in the very beginning. She had backstabbed her and Tally and went to Alder fueled by greed and ambitions and asked for the new unit. But now Raelle had no doubt that Abigail’s behaviour and decisions had not been entirely hers. They had been forced. Because Abigail Bellweather, her fellow soldier in the unit and the loyal friend... This girl she admired and loved was a completely different person than the young cadet who she had met on her first day in Fort Salem. And this person would be here with them now if she could.

„This is crazy.“ Tally moaned.

Yeah. It was. It was absolutely crazy, Raelle understood that when she tentatively reached for her pocket, and the silver medallion was really there. It wasn’t her mind playing tricks, was it? She had been able to take hold of this treasure without drill sergeant Quartermaine noticing. And what was even more crazy was the detailed proposal her brain just offered about what she should do with that stolen item. She shooked her head a bit and kissed Tally’s temple. There was no way she was going to proceed with the idea. She assured herself.

* * *

„I’ll go for a walk. Feel like… walking.“ She said to Tally after eating the last bite of her supper. „See you.“ And sneaked out of the mess hall too quickly, hoping Glory will be a much better companion to her grim friend than she was. Her feet were moving swiftly. Raelle was very much aware of the directions they chose. Although all of her actions since afternoon seemed unreal. Like she had left and actual word and was nothing more than an idle observer.

Crazy. Totally and utterly mental. Somehow even when Raelle Collar was fully aware that what she was about to do was complete undivided insanity, she couldn’t stop herself. And what was even more bizarre than her half unconscious, half deliberate decision was the fact that she wasn’t nervous. She didn’t feel anxious or frightened. As unbelievable as it sounded, she was stripped of all emotions. She was calm, composed. Serene. Having only one purpose, and that purpose was fulfiling the task given. Or fail. Simple equation. She had nothing to lose anyway. She’ll either succeed or not. And when not, whatever will happen, it couldn’t be worse than the fucked up mess that almost had broken her. What was behind her actions, what kept her going, though, Raelle didn’t want to ponder about. Was it her head, her heart, her love for Scylla, her desperation, or was she simply losing her mind? None of it mattered. Only Scylla’s freedom.

Everything got quiet when she got to the underground level of Fort Salem. It was actually just one corridor. Too long, too sterile. And last time she had been here, the two guards had been standing at the end of it. Now there was no one. She was ready to use the power that had made all of the girls unconscious in the linking class, but there was no need. Did it mean Scylla was already gone?

 _Shut it down. Just proceed and shut it down._ _Grin and bear it._ Her head or her heart, or her suppressed misery gave the order, and her feet followed. When she reached the end of the corridor she a put medallion where Anacostia Quatermain had put it when they had been in here together. It seemed like an eternity, but the wall succumbed and shifted.

Just a short transition hall between her and harsh reality, she realised and stepped towards inevitable. And faced it.

Scylla Ramshorn was there. Chained, exhausted, yet still exquisitely beautiful. Surprised evenly. Raelle only knew one thing. She had to be quick. Someone could show up, and something could wake up inside her. None of those were desired. She used the medallion to unlock Scylla’s shackles and neck voice cord suppressor.

„What are you doing?“ Don’t react, don’t listen. Just set her free and go, Raelle’s undiscovered motivation spoke to her.

„I have no idea.“ But her true self didn’t listen. „Do not make me wrong. When you’re out of the underground level, this place is crowded with guards. So you’re on your own. Just use your face swapping magic and run. Be out of here and save yourself.“ Raelle broke all chains that were keeping Scylla locked in this forsaken place, but she refused to make any eye contact. She couldn’t. So she took a few steps back, giving Scylla a chance to escape.

So why the fuck she didn’t? Raelle kept staring to the harsh stony floor, waiting for those bare feet to disappear but they didn’t. They moved closer.

„No. No, no, no, no. Just g—„ Her chin was lifted softly, the gentle hands on the sides of her face swept across her cheekbones and before she could look to the eyes of her bane, her lips were captured. Raelle should stop it. She should push Scylla away. She intended to, but when the palm of her hand reached the fabric of Scylla’s clothes, there was nothing left in Raelle that would hold her in check. She succumbed to tenderness that was given to her. Instead of pushing, she pulled her former lover closer and let Scylla deepened the kiss.

It was real. It was so real and terrifying and massive. And hopeless. It took everything in her, but Raelle broke the kiss eventually. „You need to go.“ She gulped.

„Where would I go,“ Scylla’s thumbs stroked her cheeks, her voice full of sadness, „when everything I want is right here.“

Deranged laughed, escaped Raelle’s mouth. She couldn’t bear looking at the girl she was unable to stop loving. But she couldn’t let her go either. It was an impossible situation. Was Scylla also everything she wanted? Raelle’s head rested on the shoulder that it had been rested for so many times before. Despite how comforting it felt, all of this was so pointless, anyway. Even if the love was real, even if Raelle could find a way past the Scylla’s initial lies, there was no future for them. None.

„I’m going to be deployed tomorrow.“ She muttered to Scylla’ neck. „And you’re going to die if you won’t leave right away. You’re a Spree agent, a terrorist, an enemy of the Un—„

„I might be all those things. I guess I am.“ The first admission was flat and emotionless. „But I’m also someone…“ the second, though, „…who are truly madly deeply in love with you.“ The second admission tender but powerful, simple, yet immense got straight to Raelle’s heart. She only squeezed Scylla’s clothes tighter because she knew if she would go for the full hug, she’ll never let her go.

“You need to go if you want to live.” Raelle pleaded.

Scylla stepped back but didn’t part completely. „Alright, I’ll go now.“ She seized the hold of Raelle’s hand. „But I’m not going to give up on us. Never.“ And raised it slowly. „I will be waiting patiently, and never give up the hope you’re going to forgive me eventually.“ Then opened Raelle’s palm. „And when you ready to…“ She choked. The tears stained her cheeks. „…to have me again in your life just do this.“ Scylla’s forefinger created a little glyph accompanied by soft tingling that brought back the happy memories. Those that seemed like a different lifetime right now. „Just do this, and I’ll find a way how to… how to make everything right and contact you again.“

Raelle nodded. If she talked, she’d burst into tears. Into unhinged sobbing. So she just nodded. There was nothing more to say, anyway. It was foolish to believe there could be a happy ending waiting for them. This was catharsis, not a promise of a bright future. It was probably their last goodbye. What was the chance they’ll both live in the world were witches were dying just… just because.

„Promise me to stay safe, Realle.“ She was asked as if Scylla knew what was she thinking. „Promise, and I promise you, I'm going to find the way.“ Her voice was shaking, her lips were trembling, but despite that, her determination seemed unstoppable. Damn it! Damn this girl and her intense stare, her penetrating blue eyes that always made Raelle melt, her mysterious aura, her softest lips. Raelle closed her eyes and nodded again. And the inexplicable coldness embraced her in no time. Because her hand was untouched, she realised.

„No matter what happens,“ She heard not sure if it was real or just the echo in her head, „I love you.“

„Scylla!“ Raelle shouted, daring to look and relieved, seeing Scylla still there. She knew what three words would be most welcomed. But she couldn’t say them. The wound Scylla had caused, even if not on purpose, was far from being healed. „Hold onto the part of you that’s good.“ She concluded.

For this time, it was Raelle who was rewarded only with a nod instead of words. And then Scylla was gone. And the numbness was back. The future looked bleak. For now. But the past didn’t, anymore. What they had had was real, now she didn’t doubt that. And maybe, maybe one day, maybe there was a chance to recover it. When the coldness, the numbness will fade away eventually. And witches will be offered a different fate than dying on the battlefield.


End file.
